Three Things

3 things today, and only 3 things. Well 4 things if you count the recap, but I don’t and I am the author here, so if I don’t maybe you shouldn’t as well.

Thing the first: Wifey gets home in a couple of hours. That makes me happy.

Thing the second: Today I stayed at home with Little Man because he had ab OT appointment and I really don’t think we can rely on our childcare for more than 3 days a week (I will be taking Friday off as well). Little Man staying with them started out as an invigorating activity for some older family friends, but now that this little dynamo is 4+ it seems to be more wearing than invigorating. Wifey and I are hoping that reducing the days that they have to watch him will make the days that they do watch him better days for them and for Little Man. I don’t think it is an idle hope… maybe an idyll hope, but definitely not idle.

Thing the third: Tomorrow is my blogaversary. I know some of you think that blogaversary is a made up word (Capt. McArmypants). And I know that some of you are already tired of hearing about my blogaversary. But, that doesn’t mean that I should not celebrate my blogginess.

To recap:
This is not Thing the fourth
It just isn’t
The recap is a thing unto itself
But not a Thing the fourth
Had an allergic reaction today to what can only be described as moth crap
So, I need to stay away from moth crap
Check
Don’t have to tell me twice
It wasn’t a super virulent reaction
Sneezes, sniffles, and complete mental shut-down for 30 minutes
Other than that I am doing great
How are you?

The Great White North

Horseshoe Falls

It is like a freaky alternate reality. Things are similar… but not the same. You know those dreams where everything seems real, but everything is just a little off? The dreams where everyone is going about their daily business acting perfectly normal, but everyone is wearing either golf shoes or bowling shoes. The dreams where the color red is blue and blue is orange. Yeah… those dreams.

This weekend was like being in one of those dreams all weekend long. “Why?” you ask. You are quite nosy, but I will answer anyway. This weekend Wifey and I visited a land called Canada. Don’t worry all you USians out there; we went to one of the most American-ish of places in Canada so the Canadian culture wouldn’t overwhelm us. We went to Niagara Falls pretty much on a whim. Little Man stayed home with his Mimma and they both ran each other ragged. I am pretty sure that they both were asleep by 8:30 last night.

As everyone knows, the US side of Niagara Falls is crappy so we decided to go to the Canadian side. The differences were subtle but eerily palpable. The pavement markings are similar but different. The signage whilst driving on the QEW was a bit odd to we US-ers in the car. The repetition of all announcements en Français also added an air of otherness. Avec six ans de Français sous ma ceinture, Je suis joyeux que tout les announcements sont an Anglais aussi parce que, ma Français, c’est terrible.


Anyway… Wifey and I had a grand time. We left Columbus Friday evening at 6 and got to our Hotel at 12:45 AM. That includes a leisurely dinner and going through customs. Saturday we did the Maid of the Mists boat-ride and got up close and personal with the Horseshoe Falls.
Maid of the Mists

The power and size of the falls is pretty awe inducing. On the boat we were getting soaked next to some Scots and some French. While on the boat I heard some Korean, Japanese, Dutch, French, German, and some Slavic language that I could not place (let’s call that one Polish). It really is amazing how multi-cultural the world is when you actual brush up against so many cultures in one small spot.

We walked around a whole bunch looking at the tourist trap that is Niagara Falls. The best way to describe the touristy parts of the area to people familiar with rural US life is that the area was one big county fair without all the deep fried batter. Frankly the place needed some funnel cakes. You hear that Canada? One prescription of funnel cakes to Niagara Falls stat! Anyway there were 3 fair-like haunted houses and an amazing amount of gaud and glitz. There was so much gaud and glitz that one might call the place gaudy and glitzy. There were multiple arcades and t-shirt vendors. Seriously, if there were more food on a stick places and glowing crap for sale I would have been wondering where the livestock competition was.

Wifey and me at The Four Brothers Italian restaurant
(I'm the one in blue)
Now the glitz and gaud associated with the tourist area was the exact opposite of the gloom and general rundown-ness of the “downtown business district.” Wifey and I are a bit odd in our travels. We enjoy looking behind the veneer of places to see if the place is truly what it is portraying or if it is only a façade. For example, London England is what it acts like. It is a cosmopolitan world class city that has a vibrant and sustained community and economy. Reno, Nevada is where people go to gamble. Turns out that Niagara Falls acts like a state/county fair, but the fun is only masking an economically depressed area that seems a bit sad.

So, wax museums and craptastic haunted houses aside, the weekend was most definitely Canadariffic!

To recap
Some Pics to be posted sometime tonight
They still reside on the camera
Wifey liked it there sooo much she bought some Canadian Pride socks
(I have been informed that there will never be pictures of the socks)
Little Man was happy to see us
We were happy to see him
Mimma was REALLY happy to see us
The exchange rate is not that favourable for US-ers right now
Everything used to be on sale for us
Bruschetta has been benchmarked… BENCHMARKED I SAY!
Tomorrow’s 20 questions shall revolve around the topic of Canada
I need a nap
Still
Everyone does realize that it is a mere 8 days to the Blogaversary
And it is a 3rd Blogaversary to boot
Do I get any presents?

7.5 hours

So, today I spent 7 hours in a car… by myself… for 4 hours of contact with the clients. That’s 11 hours I will never get back in my life.

Anyway, the car ride left me alone with my thoughts for a long time (it seems about 7 hours of time). It was not long before I could silence the voices in my head. The dreaded head voices. I dread them so not because they tell me to kill and not because they are incredibly self critical, I hate them because they like to sing in the round. 99 Bottles of Beer on the wall, Row Row Row Your Boat, How Much is that Doggy in the Window (arf, arf), etc… It is enough to drive a man crazy, it is.

To Recap:
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Row, row, row your boat
Life is but a dream
Gently down the stream
Row, row, row your boat
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Gently down the stream
Row, row, row your boat
Life is but a dream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Gently down the stream
Row, row, row your boat
Life is but a dream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Gently down the stream
Row, row, row your boat
Life is but a dream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Gently down the stream
Life is but a dream
Life is but a dream
Life is but a dream

Ode to GUFPS

For some reason I have started writing stuff with a green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie. It is not the easiest of writing utensils. Instead of just picking up a pen or pencil and writing to my heart’s content, I have to make sure that there is a “blotter” paper under the page as I write. Also, if I write too much without the use of my computer, I start getting just a little high on the Ultra Fine Point fumes. Could be good... could be bad... it depends on what I am writing.

One might ask, “Aside from the occasional contact high, why would you go through the arduous process of writing with an Ultra Fine Point Sharpie?” One should mind their own damn business, but I will answer anyway. There is a two-fold reason as to why I use my green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie:

Reason the first that I use my green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie: The plastic nib on the end of an Ultra Fine Point Sharpie makes this very satisfying scratching sound as I write. Some people (you know who you are) enjoy those pens that soundlessly add words to a page, but I like a pen that reminds me that I am writing something down.

Reason the second that I use my green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie: Since the Ultra Fine Point Sharpie typically makes a satisfying scratching sound; I can also actually “feel” the writing. It is a tactile reminder of the process of writing.

These two reasons for using my green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie make writing things out a sensory experience for me (I was going to use the word “Sensual” but some of you would take that the wrong way entirely. Use the broad sense of the definition and get your mind out of the gutter). It is not just the act of committing thoughts to paper; it is the experience of committing thoughts to paper.

One might also ask, “But why green?” One should still mind their own damn business, because one of these days one is going to ask the wrong question and get oneself beaten down.* Honestly I haven’t the foggiest as to why I have chosen green, but I will attempt to discern if there is any reason behind my choice. The Ultra Fine Point Sharpie colors that I can steal from work work provides for my legitimate business purposes are black, blue, red, and green. Let me look at these colors one at a time, and we will see if there is method to my madness (in this case).

Black Ultra Fine Point Sharpie: Black is too typical of a color. Everyone and their brother write with either black or blue. I find this to be too blah and boring.

Blue Ultra Fine Point Sharpie: Same issue as the black Ultra Fine Point Sharpie.

Red Ultra Fine Point Sharpie: If I were grading someone’s paper, this would be the perfect fit. Its indelible ink would record the mistakes of someone for ALL ETERNITY! The ink would last longer than the paper itself, and that someone would have to bear the shame until the paper decomposed. Ummm… where was I? Oh, red is an inflammatory color and might cause an unconscious bias against whatever I was writing. That's what I meant to say.

Green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie: Ah, soothing green with your allusions to verdant pastures and lazy days lying on the grass under a tree. Green with your minty crispness and cool soothing color… No one takes offense to what is written with green. Green, oh color of the light that filters through summer canopies on long hikes in the woods…

Uh, so I have, ummm… no idea why I chose the green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie.

To Recap:
Little Man's last dose of Orapred was today
It is surprisingly hard to find non-generic Orapred
Little Man will accept no other
I understand cause the generic tastes foul
Orapred tastes horrible to begin with
Generic Orapred tastes horribler
Getting into work at 5:30 am is never fun
That is why I tend to avoid doing that at all costs
Sadly today I could not avoid it, so in at 5:31 I was
Yee-uck
Even though I like my green Ultra Fine Point Sharpie, I can’t stand high-lighters
The people, not the markers
“Look at what I found to be the most salient part of this piece of text”
I don’t care what you found interesting!
Uppity high-lighting bastards
Don’t so much mind folk who high-light their hair though...
Go figure

* I have a can of whoop-ass just waiting for One to ask the wrong question… I am watching you, One… Watching!

And not a Spiderman in sight...

There are few words that are actually feared in the corporate world. There are words that instantly instill unbridled terror: downsizing… restructuring… company picnic. These kinds of words cause many a heart to burst, many a psyche to withdraw, and many a career to end. There are other words in the corporate world that instill a more ephemeral fear. They create a fear that is more mixed with loathing than with abject terror. Today dear blog readers, I will talk about one of these words… one these despicable corporate words… a word that induces eye clawing and teeth gnashing. Today, I shall bring forth the corporate word, WEBINAR!

Webinar is not a cartoon barbarian found in the distant future on an Earth that has been devastated by a runaway planet. That is Thundarr. No, a webinar is a seminar that is presented over the Internet or the World Wide Web. Web + seminar = Webinar.

Webinars typically do not present any earth-shattering (or moon shattering in the case of Thundarr) information. They are not used for presenting any kind of results to “real” research or studies. Webinars are a perfect vehicle for imparting intuitively obvious information in a wonderful PowerPoint presentation. Webinars are typically wastes of time with really intriguing titles.

Today’s webinar (1 1/2 hours of my life that I cannot get back, thank you very much) was on how land use planning and transportation planning should be integrated before decisions should be made about a community’s future growth. Now the webinar did not say HOW one should integrate land use and transportation. It just stated THAT those 2 topics should be integrated. Well thank you very much.

Words and phrases that are usually said during a webinar:

Synergy: check
Paradigm Shift: check
Growth Industry: check
Integrated Solution: check
Best Practices: check
Leverage: check


I though “webinar” referred to learning how to shoot webs and fly around the city a la Spiderman. I was sadly wrong. Tomorrow’s webinar is about Public Involvement. I am sure it will synergize public involvement into a integrated solution to leverage transportation planning as a growth industry by focusing on best practices and generating a paradigm shift in how consultants and clients interface with the public. Positive of it in fact.

To recap:
Little Man is going back on the Orapred
I cannot say that I am happy about that
I get it, but I am not happy about it
I need vast amounts of sleep
They shall not be forthcoming in the near future
Wifey gets home tonight
And none too soon
Her trip to Michigan was definitely worthwhile
That’s a sentence you don’t hear too often
Digital Thursday tomorrow, I hope to have something for you to see

/sniff

It never ceases to amaze me. Wifey goes out of town and Little Man gets sick. Almost as soon as I shut the door after sending her on her way to Michigan, Little Man sniffed. This time (and most times really) the sniffles were generated not out of any remarkable sadness. Last night the only thing that kept him from falling asleep absolutely immediately was the near constant /sniff /sniff (shout out to all you mmorpg-ers out there! Err.. I mean “/shout Can I get a whoop! Whoop! /end shout”). This morning the sniffing intensified. It is what sniffles do. And now? Now I have a little boy who is on the outside stages of being sick with a cold.

Breathing treatments until the sniffle goes away. His breathing is already starting to slide. Yeee-HAW! I love this crap. It is a bit early in the season for him to have symptoms like this, but it it is not completely unsurprising. What is surprising is that he is having these difficulties because the weather is just like August, and August is during his good season. The weather really has lulled me into a false sense of security. Because, even though the weather is similar, the allergens in the air and relative humidity are different. It is this difference that makes all the, ummm… well… difference. (I are good with the words)

The other main worry that I am contending with is that if his illness progresses, he will not be allowed to be in pre-school tomorrow. If he cannot go to pre-school, I probably should not inflict him upon his 2 elderly caregivers with compromised immune systems as well. That will mean another day (at least) at home with Little Man. I want to clear something up right now before it goes any further. A day at home with Little Man is not necessarily a bad thing, but I have an extremely finite amount of paid time off accumulated at the moment. I would much rather spend that time with a well Little Man than an ill one. The ill one tends to be very demanding and quite whiney. Needless to say, it might be absolutely necessary for me to burn that PTO.

I will prepare this evening as if we are going to be accomplishing the typical Tuesday routine when Wifey is not home. Drop his butt off at pre-school, go to work and pick his little butt up from his caregivers at 5. I will let you know tomorrow how this pans out.

To recap:
This weather is nuts
I have lots of house chores that need to be done
I miss Wifey
Heck, we all miss Wifey
I thought of better topic this weekend
But I forgot it
Tomorrow’s 20 questions will be on “Reading”
There is also a chance that it will be about
“What do you ask a guy who is cooped up with a sick kid?”

Wednesday

Wednesday is a day of soul searching. It is a day of contemplation. It is a day of introspection and self exploration. Wednesday is a day that either galvanizes ones resolve to create a diligent work week, or it is a day that will erode ones will to give forth any effort. The middle of the week, The litmus test of effort, the fulcrum of diligence, the fourth of the seven, the day of knowledge and wisdom, thy name is Wednesday.

I am completely unmotivated. I think this lack of motivation stems from working with databases for the past 3 days. The process of database manipulation seems to be more than a little draining to me. Database design is something I haven’t really looked at since 1998. That’s right 9 years ago. It was not the most interesting aspect of this field when I started and oddly enough, it remains rather limited in its interestingability. Downright dull some might call it. Others love databases, and I am glad those people exist. Without their existence people would have to wait for people like me who dislike databases to work databasey magic. My databasey magic skills are weak. Weak I tell you.

All that being said, I must gird myself up to take on a new task. A new project. The project of the ages. The project of tomorrow. The project of my near future that must be done by the 17th of October.

To Recap:

It seems that the powers that be have blocked blogs again
So I will be posting yet again from the homestead
Whatever
I have another headache
Not quite a pine marten in my skull headache
Fluffy, don’t be sad
I’m sure you will be able to cause a headache for me real soon!
Tomorrow is digital Thursday
I will have a reworked Namor
And I will be debutting Apache Chief on the blog
And maybe one other if I have time tonight

Bad TV = Good TV

Wifey pointed something out to me last night. Get your minds out of the gutter; this is not THAT kind of blog. Anyway… I realized (Wifey pointed out) that I really do love me some bad TV.

So this weekend’s bad TV started out with some Ninja Warrior on G4 (I miss Tech TV, if I wanted to watch chicks in bikinis play pong, I would pay the neighbors). Wifey did not realize how much she would enjoy watching people try ludicrous physical challenges only to be thwarted by large water traps and time running out. She only got to see stage 1, and has yet to see the weeding process of stage 2, the calamity of stage 3, or the agony of stage 4. I think some stage 2 stuff is on soon. We giggled like toddlers when we saw the non-serious contestants go face first into the water.

The bad TV continued Friday night with the Sci-Fi original series version of Flash Gordon. Okay, here is my issue with moderately bad TV. It just needs to realize that it is bad and embrace its badness. Flash Gordon, bless its heart, is still attempting to be good. It is not Battlestar Galactica. It is not even Star Trek, it is merely a bad show that is trying in vain to be good. Sure there are issues with the show concerning typical Flash Gordon continuity, but that is beside the point. When your episode is about hawk people who wear a cape with no shirt and ‘squawk’ you have to realize that you are not producing, shall we say, quality serious entertainment. Might I suggest a Sam Raimi approach?

Speaking of the Sam Raimi approach, I was flipping through the channels after Wifey had fallen asleep on Friday just before I was about the veg out with some Orc Hunter action in World of Warcraft when I happened upon the beginning of Army of Darkness. Oh, my goodness, that is a wonderful movie. It is only wonderful because it is so purposefully bad. There are so many quotes from this movie emblazoned into Geek Culture (yes, there is such a thing) that this movie is almost considered a sacred text.

To finish out the bad TV for the weekend (considering that more Ninja Warrior was consumed by Wifey and me) while discounting all the bad kid’s TV that was watched (WTF is up with the chauvinism and deception so prevalent in Bob the Builder? Yes, I would love to teach my kid how to talk like a condescending bastard to co-workers and … er… tools) Wifey and I had the extreme displeasure of seeing Highlander: The Source. I do have to give credit to the Highlander franchise. They are nothing if not consistent in their willingness to disregard everything that came before. There is no canon in Highlander other than the typical protagonist has to have the surname MacLeod and the worst Scottish accent ever in all of actingdom (Christopher Lambert and Adrian Paul both are miserable at imitating a burr). I could write a thesis on the merits of the Highlander franchise at length, but I will not bore you with those details.

Suffice it to say that for this instance the Highlander franchise chose to try high cinema when all people were looking for were sword fight scenes interspersed with a moderately coherent tale of revenge and survival. This movie brought very little of the first and none of the second. Sunday, was pretty much TV-less. Highlander the Source ruined TV for the rest of the weekend.

To Recap
Klaatu Verrata Nectu
There was a derailment yesterday at the Weber Road crossing gate where Little Man and I frequent
I am glad we were not there during the derailment
The preschool teachers don’t like Little Man having cupcakes because they are too messy
Hey, preschool teachers, he can only eat 2 things! Give us a break
My parents are coming into town Friday
Wifey and I are looking for places to be Thursday through Monday
Any ideas?
This looks surprisingly interesting…
Now if they could only make a decent Captain America movie
The spam filter at my work seems to be broken
I have gotten 104 emails so far today
15 have been work related
Hail to the King, Baby

Only Wednesday...

Not only do I have no topic today, I also forgot that today was a day I posted on my blog until just now. The only day of the work week that I have not committed myself to posting is Friday. That is right, fine folks, today felt like a Friday to me. A Friday. And it is only Wednesday. And I didn’t come into work until Tuesday afternoon. And it felt like a Friday to me. But it is not Friday. It is only Wednesday. This is a rather painful revelation. Excuse me for a second…

Not only is it not Friday, it is not even Thursday. I can understand making the mistake of Friday thinking on Thursday, but to do so on Wednesday is just hard to take. When one finds out that a “Friday” is actually a Thursday one usually says something like, “Well, crap! I thought it was Friday.” But when one finds out that a “Friday” is a Wednesday all that is left is weeping. Lots and lots of weeping. Followed closely by cursing. Maybe a little teeth gnashing, but just a smidgen. There typically is no clothes rending, but it is not completely out of the question.

In many ways Wednesday is the very antithesis of a Friday. That might be why it is so hard for me to stomach the fact that it isn’t Friday. Some of you are probably thinking that the antithesis for Friday is Monday. That thought has merit, but I think the direct opposite of Friday is Monday, whereas Wednesday is Friday’s perfect contrast. Monday is still one of the bookends to the work week. Wednesday, however, is the exact opposite of the end of the work week. It is the very middle. It is a subtle distinction, but a distinction none the less. (Nonetheless? No neth eless? Non-ethel ess).

Coupled with this insane mis-categorization of days I am also rather tired, rather hopped up on caffeine, and something else I forgot whilst typing.

To recap:
Wifey gets back tonight
And clearly not a moment too soon
I am still trying to figure out a “theme” for my Thursday posts
Nothing is jumping out at me
For some reason the concept of a dialog keeps popping up
That could be because people keep trying to talk to me
Leave me alone people!
Can’t you see I am losing it?
Badly…
Where’s my Mt Dew?!?
Stupid freakin Wednesday!
I am partial to No Nethel Ess

It's a Monday like no other

So, Wifey is co-facilitating some sort of training in rural Indiana near Louisville, Kentucky at the moment, and has been gone since early Saturday morning. Oddly enough, when she left this time she did not leave me with a sick kid. Go, Wifey! So this weekend has been a weekend of bachelorhood for the 2 men in the SRH household, and let me tell you, we have been living it up.

So, today I am at home with Little Man. Tomorrow is his first day of 4-yr old pre-school, and he is pretty jazzed about it. It is only an hour long tomorrow and I am required to be there, so it should be nothing more than an orientation. Pre-school starting means that the evening prep-time for his day tomorrow just got more involved, but that is just basically because I am quite the whiner.

He is currently “taking his nap.” This activity has lately become him watching a quiet DVD for an hour instead of the Electric Company on crack that is Yo Gabba Gabba which he usually watches. He simply refuses to close his eyes and nap, even though some days it would be the best possible activity for him. Don’t judge me! He is watching Kipper which is as close to watching paint dry as kid’s programming could be. He is basically asleep, which is good enough for me.

Anyway… I have to get some stuff done around the house before the Wifey gets home.

To Recap:
Any “InDesigner”s out there who want to give me some quick tips?
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday will be 20 Questions Little Man asked me today before 8:30
Not all the questions he asked, just 20 of them
He is quite the interrogator
Especially when I am not that awake
Wifey is in “the sticks” teaching folk how to problem solve
Their current problem is being in “the sticks”
Little Man’s occupational therapy went swimmingly today
Capt. McArmypants is in transit today
Next stop Kuwait
Then on to Afghanistan until his tour is done
My brother starts his process to get to Iraq in early October

No time

I got to work this morning and found 6 people waiting for me in my cubicle. Luckily it wasn’t 4 security guys, my boss, and a HR professional waiting with boxes… this time. It seems that the project I was working on with the assumption that it needed to be completed by end of business tomorrow needs to be finished by 8:30 tomorrow morning. Needless to say much of today has been a blur of activity. Sadly this leave you, the fine readers of Under Construction (which I shall now refer to affectionately as “the UC”) with a rather anemic post.

Such is the will of the working world some of the time. One might wonder why I didn’t just use the word “sometimes” instead of the phrase “some of the time.” Why, Dear Reader, it is simply because I do not wish to leave you and go back to final edits to the marketing presentation I am cobbling together.

To recap:
I have a shit-ton to do today
There is not a shit ton of time left in the day
I have a meeting to get to in 15 minutes
It is not about what I currently am having a fire drill about
Seems a bit frivolous to me
But my boss told me to be there
He also told me to have this presentation ready for tomorrow morning
He is correct about both
Tomorrow’s letter is H
Put on your killing shoes and get ready to talk smack about the hippo
I am bringing my A-game tomorrow
Not this c-game stuff you are reading right now
I am going to work out this evening
I need it

Letters

Dear SRH,

I got a cryptic email from Capt. McArmypants on Friday of last week. It stated (and I am paraphrasing here) that he should be getting back stateside sometime later that day or on Saturday for his leave (that he gets during his deployment to Afghanistan). The email also stated that Kuwait was scorching hot as well, but that is beside the point. Since that time, I have not heard anything from him, and it has me mildly concerned about his whereabouts.

I don’t want to be a bother but could you try to get down to the bottom of this?

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Mind your own damn business. The good readers of Under Construction don’t desiderate to decipher your inane mind numbing apprehensions. The mediocre readers of Under Construction don’t want to read your boring and trite worries. The bad readers of Under Construction dont red werds too gooder.

I have a question for you as well. What do you expect me to do? Email his mom to track him down? Call the only number of his that you have that still seems to be in service, even if it is to a house that no one currently lives in (except for that ghost and the Rat King, but those are stories for a different day)? Check the g-mail account every 10 minutes to see if he has responded to your last email? Really, what divining powers do you think I have that can track down some Capt. in the army who may or may not be in transit from a combat zone?

Instead of wasting their time with you trivial concerns, wow them with a tale of Little Man’s antics. Or bemuse them with the clever turn of a phrase with different levels of meaning. The fine readers of Under Construction don’t need to be weighed down with your concerns. Keep it light. Keep it fluffy. Send the good people a link to some useless corner of the Internet. Make a pithy comment about how the LA Galaxy suck even more when Beckham isn’t playing.

Get your head out of your ass; the issue is just the inefficiency of the army. He is probably sitting on some tarmac in Germany waiting for a flight stateside that is not filled to the gills with afghan rugs being shipped out by generals.

--SRH

Dear SRH,

You are an ass.

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Shut it worry-monkey or I will let out Body Image With Self-Loathing. And nobody, NOBODY, wants that.

--SRH

Dear SRH

You wouldn’t dare?

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Oh, I would and I will…

--SRH

Top recap:
I have got to get to the gym today
Good Lord, am I out of shape or what?
I guess pear-shape is a shape
When I think about how much running I did when I played soccer I am just sick at my current state of physical affairs
I think I might need a girdle
Sweet Jebus, where are my toes?!?!?
I can’t see my toes!!!
Oh, I am such a fat slob
Oh, there are my toes
They were in my shoes the whole time
That’s why I couldn’t see them
Silly me

Ultimate power

So I was all motivated to do some work today. I have been a bit lax in the motivation department lately because it has been very grey and overcast if it is not raining. The rain has been fairly constant as well. In fact, I am not looking forward to going into the basement tonight and seeing how much water is standing in the basement floor. It is a downfall associated with the neighborhood area that I live in.

Anyway… here I was all bright eyed and bushy tailed, rip roaring ready to go when my work environment altered itself significantly. The alteration was temporary in nature, but had further reaching effects other than its temporary inconvenience. You see, dear readers, the power went out. It is hard to work in a desktop computer environment when the power goes out. Difficult indeed. The power went out for a second, and then came back on, went off, came on, went off, came on, and then stayed off. So let’s see, the power re-routed 3 times and failed each time. We figured that the power would be off for a good amount of time.

This did not bode well for the productivity. I could actually feel the motivation leaking from me moment by moment. Each minute sans power caused more and more of my work ethic to erode, until finally I was looking for a quite corner in which to nap. If I did not have a penchant for the snoring, I would most likely have ridden this power outage in an unconscious state. Blessed unconsciousness…

So to make a medium sized story prattle on for a few more lines, I lost that motivation super quick without the artificial lighting to fuel my inner fire. You gots ta have artificial lighting to get motivated to work on a pc.

To recap:
24th installment of the No Longer Random Alphabet of SRH tomorrow
I can hear the collective bated breaths
Oh, great, now I am hearing things
I used my cell phone as a flash light in the bathroom
This is what the bathroom looks like without power
We had ice cream today at work
I feel bloated
Either today or tomorrow I need to get to the gym
Pending on Wifey’s work out schedule
We both cannot work out at the same time
Cause then Little Man would be left at home… alone…
With matches...
Scissors...
Duck tape...
Stuffed animals...
Flour...
A power drill...
And 3 year old left-over cat food
The picture I am imagining is a scary one…

Phone Hell


For the past 90 minutes I have been sitting in on a conference call that doesn’t look like it will end anytime soon. So far I have spoken 4 sentences over the entirety of the 90 minutes +. My neck hurts and my ear is sweating. It is difficult to not start conversations with others while “on” this phone call. I am really going a bit nuts. Not to mention that they whine a bunch whenever someone types.

To recap:
Kill me now
Please, please make it stop
Why can’t I die?
Why can’t this phone call end
I hate the sweaty ear
Sweet merciful Jebus, please let me go into the nether
Tomorrow I shall write about the dreaded Z

Beginnings

There is no better way to start a week than sleep deprived and irritable. I am sure of it. I am sooo sure of it, that I have been doing it for the past 7 years. That is commitment to a philosophy, baby! I mean, really, if it weren’t working, do you think I would still be doing it? That would be just plain silly. I mean why would I continue to do the same thing over and over again if I thought it would bring about a different outcome than the best way to start a work week? That would just make no sense whatsoever, and I am all about the sense making. No really.

I have found that to be in the correct frame of mind for a 40 hour a week computer based job, it is best if I am slightly grumpy and easily caused to yawn. This edge to my voice and quickness to indicate boredom has endeared me to many a co-worker and superior. Many a work assignment has been not asked for because of a steely Clint-Eastwood-esque glint in my eye. You know the look that Clint gives when he is about to shoot someone with a big old handgun? Yeah, that look. Well, my look is vaguely similar. To be fair, it is not a steely nor a really imposing look. Basically my looks comes off as whiney and complainish. In essence exchange the threat of violence at the hands of Dirty Harry, to a hint of guff that one might endure at the hands of SRH, and I think you might be on the correct track for the sleep deprived grumpiness I exude. Oh, guff has been given in the past, and no one wants this guff… no one!

I have also gotten out of many a work assignment by haphazardly employing the use of a well-timed inadvertent yawn. Nothing says to a coworker that their story is boring the paint off the walls like an uncontrollable yawn. This yawning often indicates to the person I am talking with that their conversation needs some help in the delivery.

It also helps to be recently un-showered and needing a good shave. I should know, I have been doing a companywide longitudinal study on the affects of slightly bad hygiene and level of work/life endearment. I am going into my 5th year of the study and the statistics might surprise you. They didn’t surprise me though, mainly because I am the one cooking the data, but that is a story for another day.

My co-workers, they love me, and I won’t hear otherwise.

To recap:
English Premiere League started up this weekend
Now we can see some top flight soccer early in the day and cap it off with some top mid level stuff with MLS in the evenings
It is a good mix of the 2
Fulham FC really need to play stronger than last year
One of the comic book artists I have been following passed away this weekend
I am simply stunned (the above link is getting pegged pretty hard, try this one)
And here I was thinking that people dying didn’t affect me much anymore
Does this make me have, how do you hoo-mons call it, feelings again?
Mike Wieringo is one of the reasons that I decided to start doing artistic stuff again
Rest in Peace, Mike

M to the D

I have to admit it. I have been hitting the sauce rather frequently these days, and I know I have a problem. I say I can quit at anytime, but I know that is a lie. I can take a break for a limited amount of time, but I am never truly out of its clutches. I know that no matter how long I have been “dry” I will eventually come back to its warm invigorating embrace.

I have been clean for months at a time, but like they say, you can’t allow just one drop. That one drop is like a snare and, I guess, in this analogy it makes me the rabbit? You don’t snare mink, do you? They are trapped instead of snared, right? I guess I would be like the rabbit, even though it would be softer smoother and silkier to be a mink. Yes, I know it would be stinkier, but I wouldn’t have minded, I would be the freaking mink. Well, not “The Freaking Mink,” that would be like me saying I was the Michael Jordan of minks, and no one would believe that, especially since I would have just been snared. The Michael Jordan of minks isn’t going to get snared. That would be just plain degrading. Now, the Cuba Gooding Jr. of minks could possibly get snared. That mink would have won an Oscar and then somehow degraded his box office clout enough to be doing Daddy Daycare 2 or some such crap. Although, now that I think of it, The Michael Jordan of Minks did make the mink version of Space Jam, that has to account for some level of snare-ability. This is so confusing.
Mink

Where was I? Oh yes, It wakes me in the morning, it keeps me going in the afternoon, and if I can’t help myself, it keeps me company when everyone else is sleeping at night. This companion of mine is both a boon and a burden. I love it and hate it. I crave it and want it far away. I don’t need it, yet I am addicted. I would cry for help, but the only one who would answer is what I am addicted to.
Mountain Dew, you are the cruelest of beverage mistresses. Unless one does Red Bull or some other one of those “Energy” drinks. Or coffee. That shit will kill you and stain your teeth. Then there is the whole spectrum of alcohol to think of. Now that you mention it, Mountain Dew ain’t so bad.

To recap:
Tomorrow is another letter out of the alphabet
I have H, S, V, Y, and Z left
I think I will remove the random label and start assigning dates to these letters
Tomorrow will be V
Not the horrid 80’s miniseries though, just the letter
Don't get me wrong, it kicked ass in the 80's, but it is painful to watch today
Any guesses as to the word I choose?
I have it picked out already
Little Man updated again, but I don’t think he took his camera today
It is hot out there today
Well, I have some work to get done

The Lone Shoe



Little Man turned 4 today. It is hard to wrap my tiny mind around the fact that he is 4. Good Lord, I will be beside myself when he hits the double digits! So this is a big shout out to the Little Man! Happy Birthday, Little Man! I wish you many more! But I covered this on Monday and no one wants to read a week of birthday stuff associated with Little Man sooo....

On with today’s post!

In my myriad of years stuck on this ball of mud there are certain typically mundane things that I see daily that confuse the hell out of me. This post is about The Lone Shoe.

“The Lone shoe?” you ask?

“Yes, The Lone Shoe,” I retort. “Not the Loan Shoe, that is a different issue entirely. Now listen up and I will ‘splain you about The Lone Shoe”

Let me set up the situation. You are driving down the road minding your own business, listening to the radio, and basically being fancy-free when you see it… lying in the gutter/ on the side of the road/ on the median of the road/ in between the lanes/ in the middle of the intersection/ on the berm (Hello, Ohioans!)/ all by it’s lonesome. You see the unpaired random shoe just sitting there… taunting you with its sordid story of betrayal and abandonment. This is The Lone Shoe.


The Lone Shoe



Typically this shoe is in a sorry state of disrepair like it has been living off the victuals left to it by passing motorists for weeks on end, but it wasn’t there yesterday and it won’t be there tomorrow. The shoe is most often a black sneaker/trainer of some sort laying on its side, forlornly looking for sweet release.

Many questions come to my mind whilst driving past this disheveled footwear. Where is the mate of this singular shoe? How did the owner of this shoe not realize that it has struck it out on its own? When they lost said shoe, why didn’t they stop and retrieve it? How did they not notice that their left foot was no longer shod? How did the shoe get next to the telephone pole? Really, why is it that the previous owner did not notice it passing from his possession? Is their an accompanying sock, or is the sock lost in the 7th dimension that resides between the dryer and the laundry basket? Buddy, you are only wearing one shoe! How can you not notice this? What’s up with the sock/dryer thing anyway (ah, a topic for a different post)? Why are you only partially laced up, oh, singular shoe of mystery? Sweet Billy Ray Cyrus! How in the name of Korn! Did you not notice the loss of half of your footwear?

Before anyone says, “Maybe the shoe fell out of a suitcase or bag of clothes.” Let me ask you a question, “Where are all the other items that fell out of the suitcase? Why just the shoe, smartypants? Tell me that one, Sherlock!” This is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, smothered in mystery, laying on top of a heaping helping of “BWAAAA?”

To recap:
Little Man is 4 today
He gets his gifts from us today
He is not going to like them nearly as much as he likes the marble thing that J, B, J, and J got him
Not made from marble, that would be too heavy for a 4 year old
Tomorrow shall be about some silly letter in the alphabet as it relates to me
H, I, Q, S, V, Y, and Z
That is all that is left
I still haven’t smurfed out the words associated with I, Q, and Z
Most likely one of those will randomly come up
Life is like that
Yesterday I got 202 hits
I usually average 50 or s0
See?
No really, I average around 50-ish except for yesterday
Of the 202 hits, I think 145 of them were for the Google search "M*A*S*H 'soft drink'"
Just a bit of a statistical outlier
What up with that?
I am accepting theories as to the origin and purpose of The Lone Shoe in comments.

Birthday Week

This week is Little Man’s birthday week. It seems, as far as Little man is concerned, that his birthday is a weeklong celebration. Since Little man does not deal with large groups of people well, last year we broke up his birthday party into multiple birthday extravaganzas. It went much better than the gigantic party that he had for Year 2’s party. That one completely overwhelmed his little self. All he wanted to do that day was find some quiet.

I think he had a total of 4 birthday celebrations last year, and this year I think we will have the same svelte 4. That seemed to work really well, but Little Man thinks that any and all play dates this week will culminate with him receiving presents. Oh well, it will be hard to disavow him of that notion, and really, I am not sure I want to.

The big issue is that he is 4 years old. How the Hell has this been 4 whole years? I mean really, seem like it was just yesterday that Wifey was technically “great with” Little Man. Now, she is “mediocre at best” with him. Unlike me, I am sub-par with Little Man. I think that is why he devotes so much time into trying to train me. Honestly, I have no idea where the time has gone, I guess near constant sleep deprivation will do that to you. I have a sleep debt that will take until I am 57 years old to pay out, and that is if I don’t accrue any more. I wish there were a way to roll up my sleep debt into my sleep mortgage and refinance to lower my sleep payments. Sadly, there isn’t. Heck, I know if I had some sleep credit, I would just spend it anyway.

In fact this morning, I hit the snooze button on the alarm 3 times without realizing that was what I was doing. It was not until Wifey said (and I misquote) “Stop hitting that Damn snooze button! I will kill you and drink your soul. If you hit snooze one more time I swear I will wear your skin as a blanket! Or at least turn down the volume, you half witted semi-asleep jackass.” It is a loving relationship to say the least.

So far Little Man has made out like a highwayman of yore (not this Highwayman [Jacko as Jetto? WTF?!?!?]). He has many a gift that he is enjoying. Potentially even as I type this. His actual birthday is the Wedneday the 25th of July. So on Wednesday think fondly on the last 4 years, for the world would be a darker nastier place without the shining beacon that is Little Man!

To recap:
Sure today’s post didn’t really come to a “real” conclusion, but I was done
Let's be clear, I often get tired of writing before you get tired of reading
The Highwayman does not really have too many images available on the net
I've been replaced by a pink bunny? WTF, Mate?
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday is the 52nd in the series
For some reason, that is considered to be a big thing on a calendar year
Makes me wonder why I decided to start it up in late July last year
Bizarre timing
Page 176 of HPVII
At this rate we will be done in 8 more days
Blistering pace, I know
It is getting to be time to update the blogarooney’s look and feel

Top 3

Let’s see if I can bring the inane!

Top 3 animal-like things you don’t want to meet in a dark alley.

Number 3: Spartan Otter
Number 2: Highland HippoNumber 1: Vampire Bear
The reasons should be clear
To recap
I really need sleep
Badly
Tomorrow will be a more timely entry
I promise
Probably less digital manipulation though
Sloppy Joes for dinner
Family is still pretty much sick
I am at 37 hours for the week
I will not be in here on Friday

One of those

Ever have one of those days where you stub your toe getting out of the car. Subsequently offending a gaggle of nuns with your cursing due to said stubbed toe. Leading you to trip whilst apologizing and rip your brand new pair of pants. Causing you to inspect the rip in said pair of pants. Giving the birds overhead a perfect target for their processed food. Instilling in you a new and more immediate need to curse and call forth blasphemic epithets. Bringing about the collected hurumphing of the previously understanding and forgiving nuns. Thus necessitating the phrase “Welll SOOORRR-Reee, Sisters” at the exact moment a Roller Derby team consisting solely of women of African ethnic descent emerges from the adjacently parked van. Culminating into a massive beat down where the phrase “I wasn’t meaning you, I was trying to offend the nuns” gives you no respite from the kicking and the hitting and the thrashing about of the head and shoulders areas, and yet further angers the Catholic standers-by into defacing your car with the phrase “Racist Nun-Hater” keyed lovingly into the driver’s side panels. Eventually garnering no sympathy or repair estimate from the Nigerian Catholic body-shop owner, who is the local chapter head of the State Auto Body Paint and Repair club. Thus insuring that no auto body paint and repair shop in the state will be willing to fix your unfortunately mis-labeled car.

So there you sit in your defaced car bleeding from multiple locations, looking at your sullied and torn new pants, most likely getting excommunicated for blasphemy, trying to figure out why the Nigerian man is Catholic instead of coptic like you thought the majority of Nigerian Christians were, smelling of bird-shit, with an aching, throbbing toe wondering what it is that went wrong with your life.

I like to call those weekdays

To recap:
Work work work
I have to get a poster printed, and mounted by end of business today
And I cannot find anyone who finds the poster attractive enough to mount
I will return triumphantly tomorrow with another one of the 26